you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm passing your future prison.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
