Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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