Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
