I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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