i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
