Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
