Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
