she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
