I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
