My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
