We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
