all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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