Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
