i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dicks are not precious.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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