I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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