i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
