Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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