I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
