the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
