this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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