my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
