omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
