I think I died a long time ago.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
