she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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