where am i from again
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
