I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
In other news, I just burned my penis
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
