I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize