I'm really into asian looking animals
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
