have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
