are you so shy because you have an std?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
