Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
