Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
