if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
