I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
how does that bad decision feel?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
