I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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