May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
