i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Drake has all the answers
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
