Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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