there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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