I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
