So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
