Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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