Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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