Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
