at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
