I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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