I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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