you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
