i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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