I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
