What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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