we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
