Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
