We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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