the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
