my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So many bounce houses so little time
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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