I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
