I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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