I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize