so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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