i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize