it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
