i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize