so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
