We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
